1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize