You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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