YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
