you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
