The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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