Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
