guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
