96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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