my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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