i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
