I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you traded sex for a burrito?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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