I can text with my tongue
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
