Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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