did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
