Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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