doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
