you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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