There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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