She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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