Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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