Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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