I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
