I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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