I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
