you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
