Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize