Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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