I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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