im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
