Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize