and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
