My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My liver just had a heart attack.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
