i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
