there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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