I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
