Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
