tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize