I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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