apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
