she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
