You can't special order awesome
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
