yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
