i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I love having hate sex.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
