I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
