yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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