How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
