hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
