i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
