you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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