apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
