can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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