I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
