I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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