I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
