The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
