We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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