U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
he quoted the bible to break up with me
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
