well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
whose ass print is on the piano?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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