i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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