So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
