Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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